The Final Blog - Thai Experience

So, my travels (with a Trilby) are over. Or to put it another way, my tour of countries that drive on the left are over. I was gone from January 17th to June 4th. That's a fair while.
 
I'm now back in England, enjoying her welcoming embrace of constant rain and xenophobia. And to be honest, I don't have any regrets. The best part of five months is a long time. I achieved a lot. I taught at a college, village school and orphanage. I learned passable Thai. I bungee jumped. Attended a cookery course. Completed seventy hours of massage tuition. Saw a lot of the world. Met some great people. Enjoyed Songkran. Was nearly shot. Twice. Considering most gap years boil down to "I went here and got drunk", that's not half bad.
 
For those considering a gap year in Thailand, Thai Experience is truly excellent. Last year I was very confused about whether or not to trust a small company, as I'd heard next to nothing about it. If you're searching, you can trust them absolutely. They're an excellent company, with lots of experience and very supportive for your needs. The Thai tuition is wonderful, and Nong Khai is a beautiful place which feels like a piece of true Thailand.
 
In my self-inflated blogger opinion, Thailand was an incredible country to spend my few months. Chiangmai was beautiful, a bustling place with a charming mix of old tradition and new business. I'll try to erase Bangkok from my memory. I'm sure there are some beautiful parts of the city, but what I saw just left a bad taste in my mouth.
 
I fell in love with Thai culture and language. Both are complex, but astounding. The people are wonderful, and more welcoming than any I've met. The students were very hard working and you could easily see their will to work and drive for success. I wish them all the best.
 
What made me a little sad was the amount of Westernisation in their culture. Materialism overtaking Buddhism, jeans and a shirt and generic brands dominating the market stalls. The obsession with pale skin frankly sickened me, especially seeing girls literally dousing themselves in chalk to appear whiter. I just felt that Western culture is not that great. Though, I can't blame them. Seeing the Hollywood image of fast cars and every other person is a doctor whilst having more disposable income than a minor country is an attractive proposition. I just wish they'd try to ignore the exploitation, short term profits over long term stability and blatant misogyny. And if that works, I'd also like to stop the tide, and then maybe declare peace in the Middle East. I don't ask for much.
 
Moving countries, Hong Kong was magnificent. An incredible combination of China and colonial power. It's also nice to see an ex-British colony that's an amazing success, rather than our other ex colonies, which we've spent the past two hundred years ignoring. Though, I feel that with more time and (a lot) more money, I could have had vastly different experience. That Dim Sum shop would be first on my list.

All in all, my gap year was brilliant. I did something out of the ordinary, and feel I actually achieved something. I’m not going to go all cliché and state I’ve found myself and made a positive impact that’ll last for generations, but, I met some amazing people, helped in many different places and above all emerged a better person.

Yeah, that’ll do.
 

Hong Kong

I emerged, blinking into Hong Kong a few hours after I wrote the last blog. As I shouldered my bags and navigated the airport (no easy feat) and got on the bus to Kowloon. Then got thrown off the bus as I’d neglected to buy a ticket – they don’t accept cash. Turns out I’d missed the tiny 4x4ft box containing a crushed looking woman you buy tickets from. Silly me.

I found the correct stop and squeezed my way off the bus, walking up Argyle Street to find my hotel. Then walked back. Then walked up again. Then walked down before I found the minuscule plaque displaying _{“Sincere House”}. I dragged myself up the stairs to find my room, to find they didn’t accept cards. So I walked all the way back to a bank in an attempt to find an ATM, crossing various streets to find one. So, eventually, I had a room and had paid for it, and collapsed with the air-con on full blast.

I emerged later to pick up some noodles, and then returned. It had been a long day, I began at 6am in Bangkok, and had been travelling since then. The first night was spent just relaxing. The second day I decided to be more adventurous. I did a complete walking tour of Kowloon (for those that don’t know, Kowloon is the island above Hong Kong). It started with me walking up to the Flower Market, about three streets given to stalls and stalls of flowers, as well as a surprising amount of shops. 

Compared to the smell of exhaust, the market was heavenly. I toured around, wondering if this counts as an onset of middle age. If it’s not a garden centre, it’s ok, right?

See? Totally a street

From there I found a massive shopping mall, selling all types of batshit fashions. There was a mix that could be dubbed eclectic in the least, and four types of bananas at worst. It’s probably “ironic” or avant garde, but I’m pretty sure wearing a green gimp suit over skinny genes and a ripped top is grounds for being sectioned. After passing a scary amount of Asian hipsters (one of the funniest sights I’ve ever seen) I scarpered, as just being there made me want to buy heelies and perch a Trilby hat too small for me on the back of my head.

I began the long walk down to Shanghai Street, thankfully with less prostitutes and seedy dive bars than forty years ago, but still pretty dodgy.

Half of these are human body parts

I felt pretty sure wandering down the wrong alley would lead to me waking up in an ice bath missing a kidney. There was a decent amount of cookery shops sandwiched together, and some enjoyable crazy little shops here and there.

Yes, I do

At the end I found the Jade Market, a covered block literally crammed with stalls just selling jade – or green stone marketed at stupid tourists. There ranged everything from simple rings or bangles to carved dragons and Buddhas. I suppose someone with more gem knowledge than me could tell a genuine from a fake, but it just all looked like semi-transparent green rocks to me. 

Um, nice jade. Or green glass. Flip a coin

Still, it’s nice to see a little bit of old Hong Kong, angry old women and all. There was a massive grocery market nearby, selling all sorts of Chinese vegetables and spices to live meats. Like Thailand, live fish and seafood was kept in boxes, and eviscerated in front of you. There’s a perverse Schadenfreude in watching someone pick out a fish, before seeing it bludgeoned, skinned and diced whilst the butcher holds idle conversation. Still, you can’t get fresher.

Because I’m a genius, I’d decided to walk around the WHOLE FUCKING CITY in flip-flops, so by now my feet had given up and the gap between my first and second toes was beginning to ache. I’d also been out roughly eight hours, which is the equivalent to my Duke of Edinburgh Bronze. I grabbed a delicious lemon chicken at a nearby restaurant and spent the night Skyping. Though, in true Asian tradition, it was doused in sugar. 

The day after I toured the local markets, of which there are many in Kowloon. I began the day trying to find some Dim Sum, and on a recommendation checked out a place in North Kowloon. As I sat down, I noticed the customers. All in business suits and sporting very dignified beards. The women were all in tailored dresses and looked very haughty. As I looked at the menu, I realised I couldn’t  afford one dish. I’d stepped into a Michelin starred haunt of Hong Kong’s elite. Awkward. I told the confused waitress that I had an appointment, and scarpered before they charged me for breathing their oxygen. I instead chose porridge in a delicious little eatery round the corner from my hotel.

I started my tour at the dubiously named Ladies’ Market, which is actually quite tame. It’s a busy mix of cheap tourist goods and dodgy electrics. Though, there’s enough ladies’ clothing and lingerie to merit its title. It’s about three blocks long, and the street turns into little more than a rugby match as you battled past buyers. Though, being a literal head taller than most of the populace worked in my favour. I sauntered down the Golden Mile, unofficially (but accurately) dubbed the Neon Mile. It’s amazingly tacky, and I have it on good authority there’s a fine selection of strip clubs and dodgy hostess bars. My guide covers everything. There were enough little stalls around the area to keep my busy ‘til lunch, where upon I began tracking down larger game.

Hong Kong is the world’s best place to buy electronic goods. With no sales tax and a decent currency, you can grab some bargains. My prey was an iPad 2. From an English price of £400 (if you’re lucky) they were available at £305. You don’t need a degree in maths to understand that’s a deal. I’m not an idiot, unlike a lot of foreigners, I did not scavenge a deal in the markets. Buying from the tech markets is pretty damn stupid, as should be obvious. Though, tell that to the morons at the Ladies’ Market. My chosen store was “Broadway”, a large chain of respectable tech shops. Though, I was sidetracked by “Brink” on the display Xbox. I meant to see if it deserved the panning from every critic ever, and ended up passing half an hour there. It’s actually pretty fun. The parkour works great when you can drop behind an enemy, unload a clip into his back and spring away before his mates notice. Though, the AI is crap.

Anyway, I managed to track down a 32gig Wi-fi model, eventually. iPads seem to be carved from the wood of the true cross, considering how hard they are to find. Every shop I tried was sold out, which I cannot fathom. The most looked forward to and anticipated tech device of the year, in the biggest shopping district in one of the most famous cities in the world, and they didn’t have enough stock. That seems fucking brainless – why did every Game shop only buy ten copies of Halo: Reach on September 14^th? Oh wait, they didn’t. They brought stacks of them.

What angered me even more is how every shop had at least two iPads on display. To understand this, I’ve prepared a little role play:

Tech shop: hey look! We have iPads! Look how shiny they are, come buy one!

Me: that’s cool, can I buy one please?

Tech shop: no, of course you fucking can’t. We’re sold out, you brainless twat.

Me: when are you going to get some more delivered?

Tech shop: we don’t know, we haven’t organised that yet.

Me: can I at least buy the display copy?

Tech shop: fuck off, we need to advertise the fact we sell iPads

Top tip - circular logic works because circular logic works because circular logic works.

So, I have an iPad now. I love it. I could dedicate an entire blog to it. I also love how it smells and the feel of it curled up against me as I fall asleep...

Woah, moving on. Stream of consciousness ended.

That evening I ate a great little Dim Sum place I spotted whilst out walking. The food cost less than the black market price of a human lung, and was truly delicious. I partook of some steamed bread filled with BBQ pork, steamed prawn rolls and chicken and rice. All this and a bottle of water cost about HK$50 - £4.

The next day I decided to take a trip to Hong Kong city. On the hotel manager’s recommendation I journeyed to Repulse Bay and Stanley, the least imaginatively named town since “New York”. You aren’t trying, Imperial British Empire, the Aussies have some great ones! What about Tittybong, Humptybong, Gooloogong and Mount Buggery? (Yes, those are all real).

Great place, dull name

 Anyway, I caught the MTR (metro) to Hong Kong Admiralty station, and jumped on the bus to Repulse Bay, or near enough. I was dropped off a fair distance away, and walked the rest. 

Repulse Bay was unimaginably beautiful. Pure white sand, clear sea, stone pier and Chinese cargo liner in the distance – wait, ignore that. It was surprisingly deserted, considering it was 37^oC with burning sunshine. Once again, my GorillaPod proved its worth, and I snapped a few good pictures. It’s almost like having a real friend to hold the camera. 

After a nap on the pier for a few hours, I continued on to Stanley. Fuck it, Stanley is too boring. I arrived at DRAGONFIRE PEAK Plaza, a shopping centre being renovated, very noisily. I walked down to DRAGONFIRE PEAK pier, a serene wooden affair the other side of the cove from Repulse. I visited the seafront, picked up a 99 and toured the tourist trap cafes. Christ, that’s a lot for some fish & ships. The main attraction of DRAGONFIRE PEAK is the DRAGONFIRE PEAK market. It’s a relatively big market aimed at day-trippers, so plenty of tacky souvenirs and fake silk. Though, I picked up a fairly classy Hong Kong pin for my fairly classy Trilby.

On the way back I nabbed the front seat on a double-decker bus, the views were stunning especially when we crested a hill and the whole vista was unveiled, until it crashed (nerd joke). From there I took a quick lunch at a duck restaurant, and found out later it was actually a pretty famous place. I stumble upon the best places.

The day after I took a trip of central Hong Kong, starting at Admiralty and walking around, getting hopelessly and wonderfully lost. I traipsed through a variety of shopping malls, nearly tripped over the ferry port and generally took circular routes before I found the mid-level escalators. 

It’s a massive chain of escalators leading straight through the heart of Hong Kong and rising a significant height. You can get some great views, and feel faintly superior to the people on the street. I saw a whole mix of shops, traditional Chinese to pizza parlours.

I reluctantly left (if they went down as well as up, I’d have spent all day on them) and walked to the top of Hong Kong Botanical Gardens. The place was incredible incongruous, in the middle of a bustling city there’s a perfectly maintained park full of exotic birds and even some lemurs. I did a spot of people watching and napping on a park bench. I was quite tired, and spent about three hours there. There was a great view of the tallest buildings and a lovely fountain, I guess I’m simply amused. 

From there I journeyed to the Peak Tram, the oldest working tram in Hong Kong. It’s a gentle little ascent to the Peak, where you have the best view in Hong Kong. Also available is the chance to get the most overpriced steak, judging from the tacky cafes that have sprung up like mould or dry wall rot.

I waited an hour or so until dark (during which my iPod died) and took some photos. It was a nice way to spend an evening, but spending a few hours on a very high drop on my oddy-knocky just makes me feel like a potential suicide. 

So now we get to Thursday. I moseyed down the Golden Mile to find the Space Museum, which sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon. After I arrived, and walked around the whole building trying to find an entry and entered, it was actually kinda fun. Lots of mad old beliefs about the world, my personal favourite was the belief the world stands on four elephants, on the back of a giant turtle, on a giant snake on an endless sea, which I’m pretty sure is a Terry Pratchett novel. The museum trumpeted their interactive elements, a jet-pack ride, space walking and hang-glider on every advert, yet when I got there the height limit was 5ft9 and the weight limit was 75kg. As I’m a 6ft3, 81kg guy, this wasn’t particularly useful. I’m not that freakishly tall.

The rest of the day I spent snooping round the culture hall and rest of south Kowloon. There are some great views of Hong Kong island to be had, and plenty of high class fashion shops. I had another dim-sum lunch and returned to my room late, before wandering around the darkened streets of Central Mong Kok, bathed in the glow of a thousand neon lights. After a chicken noodle soup (I felt nostalgic) I picked up a new delight to my taste buds, frozen yoghurt. Nicer than ice cream, and with some granola topping actually looked somewhat healthy. I’d definitely have it again some other night.

So, we come to my last day. I decided spend the morning and early afternoon on the ferry tours, and the rest of the day packing and skyping. Walking back to the shoreline near the space museum, I took a couple of ferries over the stretch. I wanted to see the famous (ish) Noonday Gun, only to discover that the whole coast was being renovated and it was out of bounds. After this I decided to take a tour, the Star Ferry bay excursion was excellent, roughly £8 for a good hour and a half sightsee.

The joy of it was that you could hop on and off at any time, the ticket lasted a whole day. Unfortunately I couldn’t make use of this, as I’d seen all of Hong Kong coast line already. So, with the prow to myself, I pulled up a chair, enjoyed the free drink with nibbles and put my feet up to enjoy the view. There was an automated voice, but it was inaudible over the engine, wind and sea. It was nice being back on the open waters, feeling the dip and crash of the waves, considering I holidayed in the Scilly Isles every year until I was thirteen, it was a very enjoyable time.

I didn’t realise how much I’d missed it, the smell of salt, that odd dry feeling in your hair and skin and the taste of salt on your lips. Pretty much the parts of my childhood I actually want to remember. We saw the whole spectrum of sights, the peak, office buildings and more experimental art houses on the shoreline. It’s a beautiful place, even if the “represents the bamboo, showing strength and flexibility” was a little pretentious for my liking.

So, my travels in Hong Kong have ended. It was a great week, the free visa was the icing on the cake. It’s nice to see a British colony that isn’t completely screwed up, after hearing of Africa’s Western exploitation and India’s decades of mistreatment, the successful and beautiful Hong Kong city was a welcome break. It was also nice to see English street names on plaques bolted to the wall, a sort of easing in to English culture before I return. It maybe a little hypocritical of me to denounce Bangkok then profess a love of Hong Kong, but Hong Kong still feels Chinese. Bangkok felt like a generic urban sprawl, but Hong Kong wears its heritage proudly on its sleeve, and I respect it for that. I think given some more time and a lot more money, I could enjoy myself even more. It’s definitely not a user friendly place, if it was a computer program it’d be Microsoft Access. The learning curve was steep, almost a brick wall, but once I’d learnt the local ways, I fell in love with its charm, unpredictable plus eclectic culture and total uniqueness. Definitely a place to come again in the future.




Food!

A nice chicken noodle soup - though not with the flavour of true Thai

Chinese tea with BBQ pork steamed rolls and sticky rice filled with chicken and mushroom

Excellent duck soup

Amazing Dim Sum - steamed rolls with shrimp, chicken and rice accompanied by BBQ pork bread rolls

Lemon chicken with rice

 

Blog 23 - Farewell to Thailand

My last week in Thailand, and probably the last ACTION BLOG, like my bungee jumping or other life threatening hobbies you shouldn’t tell my mum or insurance company about. Small confession, I’m writing this in the airport lobby on Saturday the 28^th, waiting for my plane. I’ve been so caught up with sleep and generally detesting Bangkok I haven’t gotten round to planning my last epic.

Well, that’s my idea of Bangkok given away early. I left Chiang Mai on the Tuesday 24^th overnight train. It had so many delays, the twelve hour trip took nearly seventeen hours. That’s seventeen. 17. One-seven. A.k.a a fucking long time to be on a train. The guy opposite me also seemed to be dying of lung cancer, as every few minutes I’d get a sound like a pair of ruined lungs tried in vain to dislodge the tar whilst the heart tried to get enough oxygen around the near-cadaver to sustain its efforts. Funny, since that’s exactly what it was. Whenever there was a stop, he’d jump off and chain smoke for ten minutes, before getting on, coughing and complaining to me that he had a cough. I’m not a doctor, but maybe you’re allergic to cats? He also brought on the train whisky, soda water and ice so he could have liquor on the rocks throughout the trip. He went through two hip-flask size bottles, then when he wasn’t coughing he began burping a delightful scent of stale whisky and greasy food into my berth – forcing me to spend half a day wearing my buff as a face mask.

So, Bangkok wasn’t off to a great start. After I picked up the package Sabine had sent me from the orphanage director (a beautiful bag of World Expo merchandise - Thai 3D art, engraved gold coin, pin for my Trilby hat e.t.c.) I got the taxi to DS67 Suites – my chosen boutique. It was a tiny little place sandwiched between a much bigger hotel and a 7-11. The website offered free wi-fi, air-con, modern amenities and a complimentary breakfast. And it was dead on. The room was a little poky, but cosy enough to feel safe. The internet was great, enough for Skype video calls every evening, even if it was a little slow at peak times, the air-con was arctic and the double bed was sumptuous. For roughly £20 a night, it wasn’t bad. It was also situated right next to a BTS (Bangkok sky train) terminal, so I could be anywhere in a few minutes.

That day I just collapsed whilst watching “The Walking Dead” on YouTube (check it out) and slept. After a comfort food lunch of chicken mayo sandwiches I enjoyed a scalding hot power shower with shampoo and shower gel before I emerged to search for food. There was a night market of food stalls a twenty minute walk from the hotel and I took pleasure in a thick noodle and pork gravy soup. A very simple Thai dish that was just the thing for a cold evening. Though, the heavens opened on my way home, dampening my new-found enthusiasm.

The next morning I was determined to do some sight-seeing. There was the Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaew – the temple of the Jade Buddha. 

Though, the trip there led me from disliking Bangkok to hating it outright. Everything I love about Thailand is not here. The calm relaxed atmosphere? Gone. The friendly people who just want a chat? Gone. The polite and reserved Thais? Gone. The affordability? Gone. The genuinely nice and kind hearted street sellers? Gone. Everyone was in a rush, and couldn’t care less who was in the way. Everyone who talked to me immediately wanted to sell me something or force me in a tuk-tuk. At one point, a man tried to tell me Wat Phra Kaew was closed (a common trick, they say it’s closed then direct you to a “friend who give you special price” as you’re carted off to a tourist trap) as I walked past him, he shouted that I was a “fucking idiot”. In this country being quiet and respectful is an unofficial law, it was shocking to hear someone say this. The street sellers turned to insane beggars on the streets, shouting and crying to themselves as they slept in gutters. No one turned a blind eye. At one point, a woman threw some corn at me then demand that I pay her 20B. When I refused, she began screaming at me and her son attempted to beat me up, as I vaulted a railing and jigged across the road.

Wat Phra Kaew from a distance

 I love Nong Khai. I love Chiang Mai. I love Thailand. But Bangkok didn’t feel like Thailand, it felt like any other sprawling metropolis. Greedy and smelly, just becoming a crude imitation of the West. Imagine the slums of London, the dodgy areas you avoid like the plague. Then copy/paste those districts until it’s roughly the size of Manhattan. And that’s Bangkok, Thailand only in name.

Though, the Palace was staggeringly beautiful. Gold on every single wall, hand-painted frescos around the walls, ornate statues and Naga dotting each roof and spare flat surface and the whole place glittered in the sun.

Contrasted with the city around, it felt like I’d stepped into a different world. The Jade Buddha was incredible. Roughly two feet tall, it was perfect jade with intricate clothing crafted from gold.

Taken at heavy zoom

It was set in a glass palace atop of a literal mountain of other statues and pillars. With a teak ceiling and chanting monks, I thought I’d travelled back in time. Then a tourist called it “quaint and backward” and the illusion shattered. 

That’s another thing that annoyed me about Bangkok – the foreigners. In Nong Khai I could avoid them happily, but here I passed gawping tourists on every street corner. Almost to a man, they were either ignorant of every custom ever, many were pointing towards the Buddha with their feet, or looked like they were here for the many vices of Bangkok. One I swear looked like the most stereotypical heroin addict from any dark, gritty police drama.

But moving on, I spent a good couple of hours at Wat Phra Kaew before moving on.

I saw the sights, toured a couple of temple museums and generally glared at anyone with a Lonely Planet guide who omitted looking at the “Local Customs” Section. Hot pants in one of the most sacred temples – really? I left seeking food and other excitement, so I grabbed a duck rice in a small shop and found the “Corrections Institute” – the Thai equivalent to the London Dungeon. I spent just over an hour there, enjoying some of the very inventive tortures, of which I will display.

The hook is placed under your chin, as you have to lean forwards. Once your toes can't handle it, it sucks to be a jugular

Used to extract confessions - the bar is whinched round so your temples are crushed. Either you condess or your head explodes

You're placed in a giant rattan ball with nails embedded in the sides - then an elephant plays football with it

Then I found the executions part, which was also a lot of fun. The wall was full of various methods, the best of which I will include.

Your sull is bashed open, then molten iron is poured into your brain

The culinary "motared to death"

Simple yet effective

Very creative - your skin is sliced apart until you can wear it like a sarong

 Oh, and these were outlawed in 1908.

I was some model demonstrations of executions through the ages, and it was fun. 

I almost forgot where I was. By now I had been out for nearly eight hours, so I began my trudge back to the hotel.

I started the next day with higher hopes as I planned to go to the aquarium, the biggest in South-East Asia. It was located in a big shopping district called Siam, easily reached by sky-train. I got the premium ticked, an extra 100B, which saved me around 600B. I also got a discount as I had the sky-train map - a 20% reduction. I started off with my complimentary behind the scenes tour, where I saw the main tank (three million litres) and how they raise and hatch the young fish.

I then enjoyed a glass bottom boat tour of same tank, seeing the shoals of fish and the sharks that patrol the area. There’s a great variety of fish on display, from all over the world. After this, I began my walk around, enjoying the “Weird World” and “Deep Sea” areas before I found the “Jungle Area”. I saw otters, the second creature scientifically proven to make you go “awwww”. I saw some water rats, like my Jack Russell terriers but aquatic.

There were also some river fish, like sturgeon and piranha. Some as big as me and weighing as much as my dad. That’s 300kg. 

My inner chef immediately began planning the best barbeque of all time. After this, I found the penguins, the creatures scientifically proven to make you go “awwww”.

After touring around, I found the fish foot massage corner. Which I got a free ten minute treatment from, worth 400B. It’s a type of fish that eats all dead skin, so I dangled my feet and got them nibbled on. With all my cuts, blisters and mosquito bites leaving lovely scabs and scars on my feet, the fishes were perfect. After a while my feet were completely smooth and unmarked. I’d definitely do it again, I’d even pay for it! I wonder if I could get some for England, maybe fill a bath with the little bastards. By now I was in the “Open Sea” department, enjoying the sharks and other nasties.

There was one kid who was a little know it all, pointing out every single fish by breed and behaviour. I felt a sudden surge of hatred for the git, then I realised why. He’s me from a decade ago. I’m pretty sure my irrational (totally rational) loathing of children comes from my own repressed memories of childhood. Paging Dr. Freud.

I found the water tunnel, which was incredible. It was through the main tank, so I’d seen it from all angles by now. I was surprised to see a couple of people underwater, having a tour. I later found out it was a special booking – you’re strapped into a wet suit and old fashioned diving bell helmet and are led around by a diver. The helmet is clear plexi-glass, allowing great view all around. If I come back, it’s something I’d like to try.

Now my tour was at an end, as I passed through the gift shop and saw harassed looking mothers with their demon spawn I felt confirmed in my status as a misanthrope. Yay smugness.  But honestly, great day, enjoyed it a lot.

I walked around the shopping centres, enjoying the sights – and fell in love. In the cookery section, they have Damascus–style Japanese steel knives. The “Katana” collection (see what they did there?) It was about £80 per knife, but so worth it. For those that don’t know me, I’m a big fan of cookery and not a potential mass murderer or accomplice to “Dexter”. I like a sharp knife, it makes everything else so much easier and more fun, as well as looking much more professional. The knives at home leave me chopping and sawing like a medieval executioner. This is how I’ll gauge my wealth in the future – by how perfect my kitchen is. I have blueprints and designs ready, I’m serious.

Window shopping can only last so long though, and eventually I returned home. After packing, I decided to see how many clothes I could wear to cheat luggage checks. Answer? Sixteen shirts and six pairs of trousers/shorts.

Putting on a little round the midle

I’m wearing them right now in the airport, I was still 1kg over though, got away with it through a combination of Thai sweet talking and my dazzling smile.

So, here you find me. Wearing multiple layers and cuddling up to an air-conditioner. My plane leaves in an hour and a half so I’m in the lobby looking professional as I’m typing. Maybe I’ll start saying “yes, buy, sell, yes, merge that company” to mess up all the businessmen doing real work. Or playing Minecraft, can’t actually tell. I’ve had a collection of Thai (middle-aged) women compliment me about my Trilby and I’ve generally charmed my way through customs like Silvio Berlusconi at a party for underage models. Though, in my case with less institutionalised fraud, corporate corruption and significantly less paedophilia.

So, I leave you on a satirical note and wish you the best for the half term week. I’ll be in Hong Kong next time, so all the best. Let’s see if I can fit my bags in a locker and take off fifteen shirts and five pairs of trousers in a bathroom without being arrested. I do like a challenge.