Adventures of Henry - Sculture Garden

Henry in front of a giant seven headed snake. A giant seven headed snake of peace, apparently.

 "Yeah, that guy. He didn't pay for a 1st class ticket. Take him out"

Here in front of a beautiful scenic view. What do else do you want? Sarcasm?

 His snake hat puts my trilby to shame

That means something important. I'm sure of it

Again, hat envy

I am an elephant man riding a giant rat and festooned with ribbons. Your argument is invalid.

Stone swords never took off. Not quite sure why

Wait, is that a fish... or?.... Well, he does look smug

My trilby is better than his hat. Though I could totally rock the medal look.

Young love, except some twat encased us in stone. Honestly, this was a let down considering giant snakey death-hat

The next logical step in evolution for the octopus

Apparently these are human eating trolls. I like the beak

Not sure what is going on here. Since when to postmen have machetes?

Blog 6 - Teaching and Campness

My schedule:

Monday – 8am-12pm lessons – 1 hour lunch break – 1pm-4pm lessons

Tuesday – 8am-12pm lessons – lunch – 1pm-3pm lessons – sport

Wednesday – 10am-12pm lessons – lunch

Thursday – 10am-12pm lessons – lunch – 1pm-3pm lessons

Friday – 11-12pm lessons – lunch – 1pm-2pm lessons

Overall, I’m happy with the schedule. I spend maybe 30mins at the end helping the teacher with some extra work and English skills, and the lunch is amazing. My choice of noodle soup, various rice dishes or pad Thai, all cooked right in front of you, with fresh ingredients for only 20 baht. (Pronounced “bah”, as I found out only this morning).

The teacher I am helping is called Jack, he’s an ex-Buddhist monk. Many monks only serve as full monks, orange robes, collecting alms for the poor, praying for hours at a time e.t.c. for a few years, in return for education and free bed and board for much of their life. It’s often a way for less financially affluent families to unload a spare son onto the church, and have them educated. Jack graduated from teacher’s university recently and has landed a place as a full English teacher at the college. He’s a great guy, very neat and organised, as one would expect from someone used to restrictive lifestyle for a decade and eager to learn from me. It’s kind of odd, he’s a 26 year old graduate who asks questions like a toddler when faced with a long car journey. Only instead of “are we there yet?” or “when can I go to the bathroom?” it’s “can you give me the story of Jesus and his teachings?”, can you list many famous European scientists and their achievements?” and “what is the state of Buddhism in England?”

He seems genuinely interested in a range of subjects that frequently keep me on my toes, and lunch breaks are really enjoyable as I spend most of them lecturing him and a gaggle of students about life, the universe and everything. They didn’t get my “42” joke. I think a young Thai boy wants to be a scientist when he grows up, so I spent today answering questions about how scientists are regarded in British society, the various stages of university you need to do as well as bursaries, loans and foreign students.

There are a variety of classes, as I’ve mentioned. I must say I enjoy the class made up of girls the most. This isn’t me being a perv, misogynistic or bias. I can justify myself! The girls seem a lot more eager to learn than many of the boys, or at least more open about their enjoyment. Many male students are very self-conscious or even shy if you try to ask questions or ask them directly to stand up and speak. The girls however, ask a lot of questions, always read confidently and respond well to corrections and constructive criticism. Amongst them is also my favourite student, Mikey. He is without doubt the campest Asian since Gok Wan. Like Thai Chris Colfer. All I need now is an Asian Rachel and I can begin filming Thai Glee(!). Nevertheless, he is also very eager to pick up English and always very hard to pronounce difficult words correctly.

It’s not just my teaching though. I’ve picked up a lot of Thai off my students. I can now count up to 10 fluently, up to 100 sort of, make conversation and say “I love you”. Now all I need to learn is the Thai for “It’s not you, it’s me” “we should see other people” and “you may want to get tested, turns out a banana skin is not adequate contraception”.

Blog 5 - Excel and Mosquitoes

I’m writing this blog to avoid smashing my face repeatedly against the nearest hard object.

Forgive me if I make a “that’s what she said joke” to alleviate the suicidal tendency.

What could have brought on this mood? Lack of faith in the idea that humanity will ever dredge themselves up from this pit of shite we live in? The fact I whacked my head on a low doorway recently? The cold and empty vacuum of space that lurks scant miles away as we sit protected in a flimsy layer of cloud and physics?

No. The answer can only be: Microsoft Excel. I’ve spent the last half hour doing my budget. Filling in details of food I’m buying, gift allowance and transport for the next 15 weeks. That’s a lot of scrolling up and down, typing in letters and numbers followed by * (how the fuck does that mean multiply anyway?) and incomprehensible formulae that screw themselves up for no apparent reason. If any of you are nosy/intrigued/born to be accountants I’ll upload a screenshot after I pick my teeth from the desk and stem the blood flow. Still, it’s all done, and roughly I will have 4,164ish Baht left at the end of my stint in Nong Khai without plundering my ISA or current account. 

Following up on what could be the most depressing blog intro so far since Linkin Park announced “Crawling” back when the Millennium was young and exciting, I want to point out something that still makes me laugh.

Thai Ferrero Rocher is called “Success Chocolate”.

This marks the end of my second day of teaching. I teach at a college literally 10 minutes cycle from my house. It’s a mixed school in the same way that Bethany School was mixed. It’s a vocational college, historically for boat building, but now for a variety of craft work, traditionally in Thai culture, this is a male – dominated area. However, there is a great department of language and general smart-arsery that attracts more than a few girls as well.

Apparently they’re well known for their high quality of English teaching, but my place there is very important to them. Many Thais learn English, but only reading and writing skills. When it comes to speaking, they have little idea of how to pronounce much of the language, and therefore is slight use in modern industry. Having an actual native English speaker – accent and all – gives the student body a great advantage. Even English teachers, who have a degree from a “Rajabhat” university have only some idea of how words should be pronounced.

So, even some English twat can become very useful. And I consider myself very English, and very much a twat. I’ve spent the past two days helping a variety of students, 14 to 20, to accurately speak English. I feel like I’ve made some impact on this community, and therefore the world, and can go to bed happy.

That is until I wake up to find mosquitoes have used every spare ounce of my body as a buffet. An all you can eat buffet, with free entry, neon lights and scantily clad mosquito hookers seductively waving in patrons.

And by patrons I mean creatures of pure hate winging their way straight from the noxious fumes of Satan’s most unclean orifices.

Enjoy the mental image!

As far as I can tell, this is a crude drawing

of a penis, in tipex, on the desk of the classroom.

Different continent, country and culture.

Still a penis

Adventures of Henry - Bangkok

Now for a moment I know at least two of you have been waiting for - the adventures of Henry Bear. (Captions describe the photo above)
Here in Bangkok, posing with a drink I can only describe as "green flavour"

Seen here beside a Bangkok dual carriageway

Outside a great noodle restaurant. I got really odd looks for this shot.

Surveying my quarters on the sleeper train. He wasn't amused

"Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't afford first class. You'll have to share a sink with the ordinary people. No don't be like that, please."

Tune in when I can next be arsed for Henry's travels around Nong Khai sculpture garden!

Blog 4 - Orphanage and Market

Thursday and Friday mark my first introduction to the government run orphanage for young boys. Getting a “minibus” – essentially a tuk-tuk on steroids across the motorway, me sticking my head out the side enjoying the view. Kind of like a 6ft 3, trilby-hatted Labrador. Without the adorable ears and tail. Still pretty fluffy though.

We arrived and were greeted by a veritable hoard of Thai children running towards us. Put them in pointy helmets and arm them with swords and you have the battle of Stanford Bridge all over again. Except with only one Englishman. And an Australian and an American. And a distinct lack of sea, and a bridge for that matter. Fuck knows where Stanford is anyway. But apart from that, identical.

Where was I? Oh yes, Thai child hoard. We had our hands taken and were dragged towards a large, open building surrounded by fields and buildings. I was eagerly shown the turkeys and chicks, wild pigs and ducks that were kept and tended by the boys and staff. My camera was swiftly relieved from me and was returned after an hour or two. Some very odd photos, and odder videos. I’ll upload one when I get the chance. The kids love anything technical, my camera amused a group of them for most of the afternoon, they changed most of the settings and used programs I’d never even touched. I only use auto-focus, the photographical Philistine I am. Basketball was fun, as Kevin and I were soundly trounced by some unnaturally good 8 year olds. Still, I scored a few by virtue of being able to slam dunk and block most shots with merely a swipe of my arm. The rest of the afternoon was taken by being hugged by a mob of children, and having them hold my hand. Many of the children lived on the streets, more have some sort of mental disorder, so personal contact and reassurance is very important to them. Emily, the American girl, was in high demand for hugs. Can’t imagine why.

The kids were real posers. Moment a camera was shown, they immediately got in the shot. Fingers almost instinctively making peace signs, smiles appearing and heroic poses struck. It was a really fun couple of days, and I like to think we made a difference to them. I’ll probably be seeing them many times over the next few months.

I examined the market for a few hours today, and barely scratched the surface, as I’d guessed. Still, there were a few things that attracted my notice. Not always a good thing. For example, full suits of SWAT body armour, a T-shirt proclaiming “Always watching you” with a picture of a stick man drilling a hole in a wall and looking at a stick woman, and an anime Hitler t-shirt. Re-read that again. Take it in.

It was Adolf Hitler, in the 1940’s most fashionable Nazi attire, in anime style, big, round eyes, smile on his face, standing making the peace sign and leaning in the way all the cool kids do whilst “Adolf Hitler” was emblazoned in a big “funky” font beneath it. I was stunned, was this an example of irony, the fallback of many racists? A misunderstanding on a colossal scale? A tasteless joke? I considered buying one for my dad. He owns the documentaries; he owns the books, now he can own the t-shirt.

Plenty was going on in the market, I was wondering if I could wear a full SWAT gear and carry a 4ft Katana through customs. My next thought was that I could put fluid over 100ml in my hand luggage, and that would probably distract them long enough to sneak through. Would a sword fit in the overhead compartment? The next was the sheer amount of stuff for sale, gift shopping will take the same amount of thought and effort as a PhD in theoretical physics. Well, nearly. The compromise is finding something that is in the Thai style, but will still be worn and not gather dust in the cupboard. There were schools of Thai students wandering through the market. I frequently got the feeling I was being stared at, looked up and made eye contact with a blushing teenager, who then looked away. I do bang on about how attractive I am to Thai people. Not that I’m covering up some sort of deep seated insecurity or anything.

I’ll be uploading photos when I can, hope the weekend is good for all you.

Blog 3 - A Low Point Of My Life

Today, I and Kevin (another volunteer) attempted to teach 10yr olds “basic” maths. We failed miserably. That is all. BOOBS

Blog 2 - Nong Khai

I’ve finally reached Nong Khai. This is where I’ll spend the next four months teaching and living. It’s a beautiful place. Situated on a river bank, it borders the Communist... sorry, “socialist party” Laos. You can see Laos life from Nong Khai, I’ll have to cross over to renew my Visa once mine runs out. I’ve heard it’s an amazing place to spend a day or two, but I’m keeping my options open. Border hopping for Visa is a common enough practice that many travel sites and books have ideas of how to spend a day taking in the sites.

I pretty much fell off the train from Bangkok, having had the bright idea to stay awake the whole ten hour duration. Still, wrote the first blog and listened to a good amount of a twenty-two hour audiobook (Brent Weeks – the Black Prism, available now). I’m living in a relatively spacious typical Thai home, kitchen, bathroom, few bedrooms and a large living room. There was still some work going on when I moved in, but most of the lights seem to be working, power is consistent and the water is now working properly.

This is particularly important due to my love for showers. But also, the government is creating water defences to protect the shrinking Thai beaches and damaged roads. This means the dust thrown up by lorries and concrete mixers is nothing short of choking. Plenty of my clothes and shoes are covered in a muddy red dust that seems to be everywhere. I’m getting around mostly by bike, the main three transports seem to be bikes, mopeds and pick-up trucks. Of course, bikes are at the bottom, and pulling out into a junction can be terrifying. The bikes are fixed gear, which is a change for me, but with the landscape being completely flat with no hills I can see, it’s not much of an issue.

Nong Khai is a peculiarly shaped place. It consists of three main streets running parallel, but stretched very thin. It’s very narrow, but continues for miles, so navigating your way around is simple, just head left and you’ll eventually find your street, and keep one direction until you see the turning for the house. I’m having a couple of problems finding my way around, especially finding a decent German Bakery for breakfast but I’m sure I’ll start recognising some of the landmarks soon and be able to have a Danish pastry before long.

The street I’m on is relatively busy, mostly cafes but a few pubs and shops mixed in. Including the wonderful ex-pat bar Mut Maa’s, a place I’m writing now due to the free wi-fi and pleasant atmosphere. The owner is Julian, originally of South Hampton, who lives here with his Thai wife and two children. It’s mostly populated by tourists, backpackers and other ex-pats, all in search of a cold beer and a good hearty meal. Thai food is delicious, but doesn’t fill you up like a warm English breakfast. They also run boat tours down the river, which I’m interested in on a day off, apparently the views are dazzling.

I had one new experience that is completely unknown to me. Whilst in the market (more on that when I’ve explored more, you could spend a day wandering around and still scrape the surface) I was spotted by a group of excitable Chinese girls, who all wanted a photograph with me. The excuse was they had an art project on foreigners, but I think we all know the real reason. Somewhere on Facebook right now there’s probably a picture of me looking awkward surrounded by smiling girls all about as tall as my shoulder. Still, they all seemed happy and gave me a happy and respectful “swai” (traditional Thai greeting) when they left me, looking confused and a little amused. People seem amazed by my height,  they seemed particularly proud to have snagged this giant foreigner roaming free around Nong Khai market.

This afternoon I have my first visit to the orphanage, which I’m honestly apprehensive about. It’s going to be a pretty steep learning curve, but I hope I’ll be some hope to the whole affair. Best regards to those of you in England, I should have some interesting yarn to spin once I start teaching at my college, on Monday.

First Post - Journey To Nong Khai

Note to all wannabe travellers out there – travelling more than 24 hours at once is not a smart move. In the same way trying to break down a door with your face is a bad idea. Still, if you succeed it’ll be quite an accomplishment. The fact I’m not snoozing in a ditch somewhere show’s Man’s determination to survive. And not knowing when to give up.

Things began well on Sunday morning, as well as waking up a 6am and saying goodbye to your loved ones can be “well”. I escaped security without being groped, and the scanner didn’t find the corpse wrapped Dexter-style in my hand luggage. All’s well that ends well. The 13 hour flight to Hong Kong was surprisingly enjoyable, caught a few pretty good films (including Splice – an awesome new psychological horror), and the seat next to me was empty. Woo leg room! 

Safely landed in a confusing sprawl of an airport claiming to be Hong Kong. For all I know it was Slough with a pretty convincing facade – but hey. Duty free rubbish is duty free rubbish. After having to take a metro ride to my gate, and contemplating how many gates are too many, I arrived in the departure lounge. Chinese news – the economic stability of the country and a scientific breakthrough. English news – the nominations for a film award. Read into that what you will.

After a short hop to Bangkok – barely enough time for a decent nap, I emerged blinking, bemused and in desperate need of a shower into the nightmare that is customs and immigration. Following the airport’s frantic attempts to sell me cheap whisky, I stumbled onto a shuttle bus bound for Huamlompong (I think) Station. A startling realisation hit me; the drivers of Bangkok drive like fucking lunatics. From the chaos, one rule prevailed. Bigger vehicle means right of way. However, try telling that to the driver of the myriad scooters weaving between the tyres of buses. I’m pretty sure most of the pedestrians are infact Ninjas, crossing the road requires at least two eyes in the back of your head and senses six – nine. Red light means nothing if not speed up to the hapless walkers navigating the side streets, I’m pretty sure foreigners are worth extra points.

Forgive me if this sounds a little negative, I’ve loved my two days, or one day, depending on time difference, in Thailand. Reminiscent of my spree in India, but with less dead dogs and misogyny. The sights have been great, the people very friendly and the food fantastic. Seriously, noodles with hoi sin duck cooked fresh in front of you, served with stir fry and very well seasoned. For roughly the price of olives in a UK restaurant. Still, avoid “Chinese Nektar”. I’m pretty sure they simply dumped a tub of golden syrup in a cup, added a dash of fruit juice and topped with sugar for shits and giggles. Taking more than a sip was pretty much a tongue overload and a mouthful left you wincing as your teeth visibly decayed.

At time of writing I am on the train for Nong Khai, sharing a seat with a Thai lady, of a certain age, who is settling in and shows no sign of climbing to her bunk and vacating MY sleeping nook. Oh yes, and my ticket is for “Woman”. Maybe the ticket officer saw my iTunes most played list.

I’m attempting to keep this post under two pages (of Microsoft Word anyway) to avoid people losing interest. Maybe I should write BOOBS or SEX every so often to keep them entertained. In essence, Thailand has left a good first impression on me. Great people, relatively simple to use transport, food beyond compare and freakishly scary school kids playing Counter Strike. They were lke pwning every n00b out there. However, with roughly eight of them playing with sound on, the phrases “Throwing a grenade” and “reloading” are probably going to be imprinted on my mind for weeks. The voice actress for a female character was even more annoying. Her shrill voice will haunt my dreams for decades.

Ok, that’s me thus far. I’m going stay awake for another ten hours and abuse my iPod battery life some more, before arriving at my destination. Two audiobooks down, roughly a month’s worth left to go.