Blog 14 - Meat and Greet

Oh my Lady Gaga, all you can eat Thai food is amazing. 

Q.E.D

On Saturday, Matthias, Pookie, her son Jonas and I visited an all you can eat restaurant. It’s a concept that would fail spectacularly in England, there’s a flimsy wooden table supporting a bucket of flaming coals above which is a hot domed pan where the food is cooked. Raw food, including chicken, seafood and shell fish. People drape meat across the pan, cook it how they like and scoff it down. I’m already seeing a law suit in our “enlightened” society.

Let's just all eat raw meat. That's a slogan I can hear inciting a mob

So as my knees were literally an inch away from flaming disfigurement I enjoyed roughly a small farm holding of meat, including beef, chicken, bacon and I even dabbled in squid and liver. All of it was delicious, whilst it was cooking I helped myself to some pre-cooked food, namely breaded chicken, French fries and popcorn chicken. There was a cycle, scoff down cooked food, enjoy the food I cooked to my crispy perfection before slapping some more in and chowing down on breaded chicken. It all cost 99 baht, which is quite expensive for a meal, but worth it. Considering how I could have survived for two days off it. 

Seen here: A fuckload of meat

I tried some Thai dessert, and am not really impressed. Instead of the Chinese method of simply deep frying fruit, Thai desserts are just plain odd. It’s normally a bowl of coconut milk, good start, before adding sweetened noodles dyed some freakish colours (bright radioactive green sweet noodles? Hold me back) with dyed pink dried banana and small balls of jelly, again dyed bright pink. All topped off with condensed, sweetened milk. By the legs of Athene, it was a mess. I opted out of adding ice, which just seems weird. Honestly, some coconut milk and fresh fruit would be perfect. But the texture was all over the place, the colour reminded me of a mutant off S.T.A.L.K.E.R and the taste was sweeter than a puppy genetically spliced with a teacup pig.

Ok, that seems odd but try writing analogies in 35^oC degree heat with no air conditioning. Still, awesome new movie idea.

After my bout of decadence I returned to Tha Bor for my final week of school. I arrived at around 7:30 and instead of Khamdee picking me up, his son was there on a scooter. Scooters are awesome, but on a hot day with a big bag and a fairly long journey over fairly rough roads it was far from perfect. Five minutes to the shops, great. 20 minutes cross country, not so great. Still, with all the slash and burned terrain, abandoned huts and pot holes the size of cauldrons, it was almost post-apocalyptic. I was listening to “The Road” at the time, which definitely gave me new insight to the novel. Still, I felt I should have been jogging cross country with a G36c slung over my back and wearing a gas mask.

My first day back consisted of me painting signs for the library. Just me, sat in the library with a paintbrush writing “Science” “Art” and “Social and Religion” on bits of plastic and remembering why I only scored a C in art GCSE. It kept me busy at least, then I researched my new favourite clothing brand “The Guard Original”. You know how much I love clothing with pseudo-military connotations? You don’t? Well, I do. “The Guard” sells nothing but thick long sleeved shirts with riot troops emblazoned and “THE GUARD” in heavy font on the sleeves and fatigues about an inch thick with SWAT style pockets. I could have spent my entire budget on that shop, seriously. I wouldn’t have even missed food that much, it’s awesome. If they have a shop in Nong Khai it’ll be my first looting destination once society goes the way of a dead goldfish. They have a site, but it’s all in Thai, I found an outlet based in the Netherlands which is in English at least. Please, come to England. I will single handedly keep you business afloat. That’s www.theguardoriginal.com for those who want to check it out. I brought myself a long sleeved shirt, which I predict will become my favourite very quickly.

Moving on from blatant product whoring (please give me free stuff) that evening I had a meal at a teacher’s house. With all the staff there, it was a typical Thai meeting. Obscene amounts of food, whisky flowing like red red krovy and every Thai seeing how much they could feed the farang. It’s a game for them. It was fish-based with sticky rice, onion soup, chilli dip and garnished with helpings of pork and liver. I enjoyed both green flavour Fanta and now purple flavour. Seriously, no flavour apart from “purple”, not a trace of fruit. I declined on the alcohol, which stunned most of the men and won me favour with most of the women. One in particular, a past middle aged woman pretty much flirted with me for the entire meal. Even after I told her I had a girlfriend. She then asked “how much?” to my bewilderment, then “how many?” I said “one”. I hope that was the right answer. A Thai (Ajah) I befriended rolled his eyes and said “my aunt, I’m very sorry”. I know the feeling.

The next day was spent writing more signs, though this time it was borderline Machiavellian slogans with commands written on them, like “be honest” and “don’t tell lies”.

No, please don't

I tried to slip some 1984 references in, but couldn’t find a way. Still, it felt like I was reporting for duty at MiniTruth. Myself and Kamdee’s son nailed them up to trees, along with those guilty of doublethink and rebelling again Big Brother in their dreams. It felt like a pretty inane way to spend two days, but at least I’ll have made some sort of impact on school life, if only manipulating bright young minds of children into corporate drones.

She seems happy about brain washing

That evening I had dinner with some teachers on school grounds, namely Chai, Noi, Airm and her husband, Dtee (it’s a Thai letter we don’t have, pronounced like a hard ‘D’). It was similar to the all you can eat barbeque, only with much more seafood. It was brilliant fun, Airm really opened up to talking, I was forced to bullshit my knowledge of football for her husband and Chai got sozzled within the hour. He just sat there, mumbling odd combinations of Thai and English. Still, made for some entertaining conversation. I was pretty much resigned to food poisoning, home-cooked squid and prawns brought in a market on a hot day aren’t known for their hygiene, though my iron stomach once again saved the day.

At least three high risks from my Food Tech A level

The day after I helped in the kitchen, first cooking a metric fucktonne of omelettes for the students, then pork and beef strips for the teachers. When Thai’s go for simple-yet-effective, they excel. Racks of pork, char-grilled to perfection over charcoal braziers with mounds of sticky rice and chilli dip. Uncomplicated, straightforward yet elegant. And delicious. Myself and Chai were in charge of the meat. Why? Because we’re manly men, that’s why. Manly men have the genetic disposition to barbeque lumps of meat whilst we sit in clouds of choking smoke and don’t let on how much it hurts our eyes. I nearly lost my eyebrows at one point when the pork fat ‘whoofed’ the flames to a couple of feet high. It was awesome. So, I feasted upon pork strips sandwiched by sticky rice, and the hard work and facial hairlessness made it all the sweeter. This was a life saver, as in the morning I was told I was to garden all day. To which my first response was to stare, as if in jest. I’m a fluent English speaker and they wanted me to garden? What made it worse was I was in smart trousers, button down shirt and canvas shoes. Some warning would have been nice. I flat out refused and feigned ignorance what a “plant” is. What they don’t know is I did horticulture in year 9, bitch. If I hadn’t been able to cook I’d have pretty much left there and then, I got the feeling Khamdee was taking the piss.

However, Thursday really pulled it back. Myself and a few teachers, Airm, Chai and Noi visited Phu Phrabat Historical Park. 

No dinosaurs... yet

It’s an area of incredible beauty, a pretty much Jurassic landscape of blasted fields, rocky outcrops and spindly trees.

Because FUCK YOU gravity

If I were any better with photo editing I’d be photoshopping the cast of “Land Before Time” onto every shot. The place was incredible, it was under a glacier for a while, which crushed the landscape down, then deposited various rocks onto various other rocks for gravity defying monuments to the power of nature. There were some astounding views, in particular cave painting. Proper 3000BC cave paintings of men and buffalo! Which I got my picture taken with!

Red smudge on the left

I spent most of the day chatting with the teachers, all of which felt more comfortable in a less formal environment. We got some great pictures, some friendly, some fun, some completely stupid.

Some friendly

Some fun

Some stupid

It was a really, really brilliant day, rounded off with a typically Thai stupidly large meal. I had a bit of everything, fresh catfish caught literally a stone’s throw from the restaurant, Tom Yum soup, fried rice and frogs. Not namby pamby French frogs legs at 20 Euros each, proper stir fried frog bits with rice. A lot more meat than French, and a heck of a lot more flavoursome. 

Left to right,me, Chai, Noi and Airm

It was sad I was leaving the school, it felt good getting to know some teachers and their stories, for example Noi wants to return to her home village to teach at her local school.

She was telling me about it trekking through the park, about all the trees in village, and the mountains nearby. I wish her all the best for the future. I spoke a lot with Airm, who was normally a bit reserved and straight laced on school grounds, and of course Chai. Goofy, silly Chai.

He’s a real laugh, a stand up guy and really caring. He brought me three sausages on sticks, with four more battered chicken goujons for dinner (Khamdee was busy all evening). As I dismounted the scooter, he looked at me and said “is it enough? I don’t want you feeling hungry tonight”. Considering the mammoth lunch he treated me to and the mountain of tamarinds his friend offered me, and the coconut Noi brought me on Wednesday, I think I’ll be alright. Chai was pretty much in charge of taking me home, since Khamdee would invariably be busy, have a meeting or just forget to pick me up after school, Chai would take me home on his scooter. It was nice zipping through the landscape, with Chai pointing out things in Thai and asking what they were in English. I pretty much died laughing when he pointed at a field and said “moo cow”. If I return to Thailand, I’d like to drop in on them all, especially to see if Noi managed to get to her home village.

And of course, Wan, the head chef

The final day consisted of me saying my farewells to a crowd of largely indifferent children, maybe if they’d actually known what I was saying... The morning was frustrating. At 7am I came to Khamdee’s for breakfast, for him to announce we were going out. He took me to a wedding of some description, really just to eat. Large bowls of rich soup, sticky rice, mutton bits (some with teeth in) and fiery chilli sauce. At 7am. My digestive system is used to bread rolls and jam with soy milk, I like bread rolls and jam in the morning. This was just too rich, I managed a couple of mouthfuls before giving up. What mystified my Western senses were the Thai men and women necking bottles of whisky and beer, let me reiterate – at 7am. Some of them looked gazeboed, again, at 7am. Some students might scoff at that, but getting pissed at breakfast I consider a sign of alcoholism.

Once I’d arrived and got some pictures of teachers with Henry, they were very confused, it was time to leave. I arrived back in Nong Khai at around 11:30, Sabine was there to meet me. We were then informed about how we to have a thank you party this afternoon. That was a shock, particularly how we both had under an hour to shower and get some clean clothes. We ate at an amazing little Vietnamese place, which sold primarily spring rolls. I hadn’t been there, and fifteen spring rolls down, I’ll go there again. I was presented with a framed photograph of me and the teachers, which was really good of them. It’ll go on my dorm room wall, I gave a fond farewell to everyone and cycled home. 

Spot the foreigner

Where upon the next tragedy struck. My three month Visa had been stamped wrong at the airport, leaving me with a month in Thailand rather than three. That was a shock, I’d been staying illegally in Thailand for forty days, and owed a fine of 20,000 Baht (£400). So, I rushed with Pookie to the immigration booth and got it sorted, apparently I’m not the only one who had the mistake. It was very quickly and professionally done, which was a surprise. I’m used to American immigration of “you don’t look like your passport photo YOU’RE A FUCKING TERRORIST AND MUST DIE” or the English immigration of booths staffed by zombies who take roughly an hour to check a number and look at a photo. “Are you sure you’re Mr. Toynbee?” “Um, fairly”.

Still, in and out in under twenty minutes, with my Visa stamped until the 17^th of April. Thank God for Pookie, I don’t think I’d still be in Thailand without her, probably being marched at gunpoint to some prison camp. I have that effect on bureaucrats – they don’t like sarcasm. Still, catastrophe over, my bank account is un-pillaged and I’m here legally. Woo!