Blog 13 - Zen and the Art of Not Teaching

As I am writing, I have been in my placement for five days. I arrived Monday in the most undignified way possible, the peasant wagon. Sorry, bus. Specifically a souped up tuk tuk called a “Song Tao”. These things are odd, get them at midday and you have a bus to yourself, any earlier and you’re sharing it with 10 Thais, like sardines in a can in a car crusher.

Sabine and I caught this song tao at roughly 7 in the morning, so there was less available space than central Japan. My bike was balanced on the roof rack, my camp man bag was being clutched tightly to myself and my main luggage was being used as a cushion by one of the most annoying Thai women I have met. She started perching almost on my knee, before putting her arm around me. Then she sat on my bag and began stuffing chewing tobacco into her gob. Then coughed it all over me. My trousers, my arm, my shoes. Might as well cough up steak on a strict vegan.

So, that was another Thai experience I’ll file away with a week of extreme sickness in India and being shouted at by a beggar in America. I’ll bring it out and dust it off for dull dinner parties. Still, we arrived in Tha Bor and Sabine bought me a coffee. Proper coffee, black, strong and hot enough to be substituted for napalm. My first in over a month, and it was heavenly. Thanks Sabine, I owe you one.

Sabine stayed in the school for the day, it passed by being introduced to many, many people and gawped at by many, many, many school children. I met the English teacher, Noi and sat in for a lesson, was excitedly chatted to by several teachers and found out who I was staying with. I assumed I would be staying with one of the female teachers and her family, as the previous two volunteers had, but I’m lodging with the school President, Mr. Khamdee. As he so misogynisticly put it, “women stay with women, man stay with man”. Alright then, let’s crack open a beer, talk about girls and share homoerotic male bonding.

I was brought back to his second home, a veritable Thai mansion with everything I need, obscene amounts of snacks and a shower. Oh yes, and a stupidly large bed. It’s like being back in Appledore. I made myself at home, I put on Answer Me This! and collapsed on the sofa. I met up with Khamdee for breakfast Tuesday morning, a very well cooked selection of fish and rice with fresh, warm soya milk. I was told there was no school today, there were exams so I was to report at the sports field. What followed was confusing and traumatising. After a very long speech by Khamdee, a parade of middle aged women shuffled onto the field with hula hoops. I got a bad feeling almost immediately. They began doing what looked like a 90s fitness video, there was a woman at the front wearing significantly less than the rest of them, so I assumed she was more important.

"Now remember the golden rule, hate you body. Now stretch out the hate"

Remember that she was at least 40, it’s hardly a flattering perspective. I know I said they were middle aged, well predominately. One looked late 20s, but another looked like she had wandered away from the local old folks home. With the amount of loose fitting tracksuits and T-shirts with motivational sayings, I felt like I’d roamed into the geriatric Tai-Chi class by accident.

"Did you hear Ethel made sponge cake with raspberry filling?" "Really? What's wrong with strawberry I told my Barry"

Then came the traumatising part, they wheeled on a tribe of 12 year olds to do the same thing, though they can bend at the waist without breaking a hip. However, they were so heavily made up it was just creepy. Too much blusher, a good inch of foundation, lipstick applied with a trowel and eye shadow that spread to the forehead and temples. I laugh at shivering Homewood girls wearing miniskirts and wearing half their body weight in mascara caked to their phizogs, but with was ridiculous.

 Note to girls – you look better not resembling a prostitute! Really! Looking like a Barbie doll isn’t attractive! There, my social mending paragraph is done.

Where was I? Oh yes, exploiting the young. So, as these 12 year olds began hula hooping to of all things, Flo Rida’s Low. Really? Any song with lyrics about slutty dancers taking all your money and “gettin’ low” is not appropriate for the under 18s to be dancing to. Save it for the open air strip joints, sorry, concerts. I didn’t take any pictures, I didn’t want to be put on some sort of register, and my blog could do without an NSFW logo. So, that awkwardly slunk off, far outstaying its welcome in my humble opinion and will hopefully die in a gutter somewhere leaving the girls to do what normal 12 year olds do, like plaiting hair and making daisy chains.

More wholesome photos

So, I returned home for a few hours and returned for a sumptuous post-sports day meal. Lots of fish, plenty of rice and cider. Really weak cider, but still. I miss cider, a proper ice cold Bulmers made with proper UK apples would be wonderful here. This is Asia, so karaoke is inevitable. I didn’t join in, I’ll need more than one cider to convince me that Mika’s “We Are Golden” is better sung by me.

The next day, as I worked off a truly crippling hangover from my one drink I arrived at school to be told that Noi, the English teacher was away, so I wouldn’t be teaching. Upon my insistence, I helped a class of little ones, but I told them my name and where I was from before being ushered to the computer room, where I spent the entire day reading articles off cracked.com. Wow, those really are 6 badass cats. So, 10 minutes teaching for three days, that ain’t bad.

Thursday I actually got some teaching done, about an hour of me standing with a microphone teaching small ones the days of the week.

... and that's called Friday. Understand?

Then there was a dancing competition, where I was asked for Western music, so I immediately played Marina and the Diamonds, which they went crazy for. Marina is a goddess, it’s official. That ended by day of teaching, though I found some students and pretty much forced the English language on them. They probably abused it by making me do their homework, but hey. Cultural exchange and all that. Lunch was amazing, of course. Their head chef is a food magician, her homemade coconut ice cream is perfect. Today was fried catfish with stir fry noodles. So, rest of the day spent with cracked.com. Really? Those are the 10 most overpowered hunting weapons in the world, and were those really found inside people? Fascinating.

Do any of you understand? Any?

Friday I leave for Nong Khai for a fair of some description, it should be a laugh with Pookie and the gang. Khamdee has a seminar in Nong Khai, so he’s giving me a lift. Hopefully next week will include more teaching. I can but hope.

Finally, another sign I noticed:

I was about to pound a kilo of smack into my eyeball. But I won't now, thanks sign!