I’m writing this blog to avoid smashing my face repeatedly against the nearest hard object.
Forgive me if I make a “that’s what she said joke” to alleviate the suicidal tendency.
What could have brought on this mood? Lack of faith in the idea that humanity will ever dredge themselves up from this pit of shite we live in? The fact I whacked my head on a low doorway recently? The cold and empty vacuum of space that lurks scant miles away as we sit protected in a flimsy layer of cloud and physics?
No. The answer can only be: Microsoft Excel. I’ve spent the last half hour doing my budget. Filling in details of food I’m buying, gift allowance and transport for the next 15 weeks. That’s a lot of scrolling up and down, typing in letters and numbers followed by * (how the fuck does that mean multiply anyway?) and incomprehensible formulae that screw themselves up for no apparent reason. If any of you are nosy/intrigued/born to be accountants I’ll upload a screenshot after I pick my teeth from the desk and stem the blood flow. Still, it’s all done, and roughly I will have 4,164ish Baht left at the end of my stint in Nong Khai without plundering my ISA or current account.
Following up on what could be the most depressing blog intro so far since Linkin Park announced “Crawling” back when the Millennium was young and exciting, I want to point out something that still makes me laugh.
Thai Ferrero Rocher is called “Success Chocolate”.
This marks the end of my second day of teaching. I teach at a college literally 10 minutes cycle from my house. It’s a mixed school in the same way that Bethany School was mixed. It’s a vocational college, historically for boat building, but now for a variety of craft work, traditionally in Thai culture, this is a male – dominated area. However, there is a great department of language and general smart-arsery that attracts more than a few girls as well.
Apparently they’re well known for their high quality of English teaching, but my place there is very important to them. Many Thais learn English, but only reading and writing skills. When it comes to speaking, they have little idea of how to pronounce much of the language, and therefore is slight use in modern industry. Having an actual native English speaker – accent and all – gives the student body a great advantage. Even English teachers, who have a degree from a “Rajabhat” university have only some idea of how words should be pronounced.
So, even some English twat can become very useful. And I consider myself very English, and very much a twat. I’ve spent the past two days helping a variety of students, 14 to 20, to accurately speak English. I feel like I’ve made some impact on this community, and therefore the world, and can go to bed happy.
That is until I wake up to find mosquitoes have used every spare ounce of my body as a buffet. An all you can eat buffet, with free entry, neon lights and scantily clad mosquito hookers seductively waving in patrons.
And by patrons I mean creatures of pure hate winging their way straight from the noxious fumes of Satan’s most unclean orifices.
Enjoy the mental image!
As far as I can tell, this is a crude drawing
of a penis, in tipex, on the desk of the classroom.
Different continent, country and culture.
Still a penis
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